“Your blog is rather precious, don’t you think?” said the condo board treasurer.
“Maybe it is but you’re a son of a bitch for saying so,” I replied.
He hesitated. “There’s been talk about your cat spending snow days at the dog park,” he said. I looked away.
Suddenly I said “Condo board a springboard to bigger things?” and he blurted out “Pfft!” but not before I caught him glancing at his Timberland boots with a confused look. He turned and walked off.
This is essentially how Wellington defeated Napoleon. “The only thing new in this world is the history that you don’t know.” —Harry Truman
The following week he passed me on the sidewalk carrying his mail: “Sorry about the cat playroom not being approved, naturally I don’t agree with the expense but I understand where you cat owners are coming from.”
“This is the first I heard of that” I said, and suddenly I understood. He had been fighting us one at a time until he prevailed despite our numerical superiority, now we were in disarray.
“You’ll die in exile!” I said.
“What the hell?” he said.
It got worse. He had some mail from AdoptAPuppy.com. I pointed at it. “That’s a conflict. I’m filing a complaint.”
“Does your cat even know when you’re gone?” he asked, and guffawed loudly. “My cat has leapt over a deer,” I said angrily.
That night, instead of pajamas, I wore my Captain Kirk uniform. It originally came with a drawing of a tribble on it but I cut that shit out.