I’ve been thinking about the popular trend of making lists on the web. Savvy people need info. How useful these time savers are, if you can just stuff the crunchy nuggets into your brain you’re all set for context-based success\understanding. Rank is critical. Here’s my
- List writers are stupid
- List readers are stupid reading stupid which makes them even more stupid if it mattered but it doesn’t
- Before you were born, your dad killed your mom’s brother
- You suck
- Eat me
- Fuck you
- All web lists are so stupid their stupidity can’t be compared
- Web publishers who push out lists think they’re smart businessmen but they’re assholes; bloggers who make lists are tiny failed assholes; web publishers who spread out top-10 lists on 10 web pages should be eaten alive by a starving chimpanzee air force riding mini-helicopters which shoot out paralyzing spiders seconds before ejecting the chimp onto the publisher’s face just as the chopper explodes so as to produce an epiphany in the pilot beast that the emergency jet pack is no longer available
- Da fuck?
- Fuck you
I submitted the above list to Time.com but it was rejected. Then in quick succession I submitted “The Top 10 Chess Players Born Blind,” “The Top 10 Boules Players With Asperger’s ” and “The Top 10 Wall Street Analysts Who See Numbers As Purple And Green Afterimages.” Then I submitted “The Top 5 Scottish Empiricists Who Never Tried Haggis” to Teen Miss, and “The Top 20 Reasons To Go For It When Your Boyfriend Can’t Wait” to American Philologist. Truth be told, I became a real asshole when my girlfriend flunked set theory.
When she switched her major to psychology, to my surprise I became even angrier. “Sets of sets of sets,” I said to her, “but which are members of themselves?” This is how breakups happen. A month later I saw her at the new psych lab when our classes overlapped, but if she saw me she didn’t show it. Whatever. I’m told she studies behavior now. She needs to learn how people think.